The Invisible Boundary Problem Style

One of the six boundary problem styles is called Invisible. You go along with other’s opinions and desires, ignoring your own inner voice that says “I don’t really like this” or “I want something else”. Maybe you’re trying to be nice, maybe you want people to like you or maybe you’re afraid of conflict. Whatever the reason, you act like your opinions and needs don’t exist.

You end up feeling resentful or powerless. And at some point, you get fed up or depressed. Maybe you explode with a litany of all the ways you have done things for others and how you have “been misused”. Or maybe you just silently pull away from your friends or mate. You might even go find someone who will lend a sympathetic ear, and listen to all the ways others have harmed you. Of course, you and I both know you helped create the situation by not speaking up in a way that would be heard. But, if you are dedicated to using “The Invisible Boundary Problem Style” and, you will perceive yourself as a victim of those around you. If this is you, read the book chapter on this website called “The Dance Of Drama”. Isn’t it time to stop this doing this dance?

After you have read that chapter, be sure to read “The Six Biggest Mistakes”. This will give you the inside scoop on the six boundary problem styles. You will be so happy you did.

The Distant Boundary Problem Style

One of the six boundary problem styles is called Distant. You might not know it, but with your self-contained attitude or non-expressive face, others find you Distant. They think you are aloof, unfriendly or uninterested. If you want more connection with others, you’re going to have to perceive how others see you. Maybe it’s time to open up and do some personal sharing. Or perhaps you need to start being more empathetic and take interest in others.

For some people, using Distant is an old defense developed in childhood to avoid being hurt again. You may even have learned how to disconnect from your feelings. For others, it is merely a cultural difference or personality type.

Whatever the case, if you want deeper intimacy and more personal connection, you need to learn to share more with others. If those close to you complain about you being distant, take a look at why they might be saying that. They might be onto something. Your lack of connection with others might be blocking the experience of deep love and belonging.

You can read the full book chapter on the six boundary problem styles and find a bulleted list describing Distant here.

The Rigid Boundary Problem Style

One of the six boundary problem styles is called Rigid. When you use Rigid, you are definitive and harsh about what is right and wrong. You are uncompromising, and sometimes even defensive, if someone wants to explore an alternative idea. Your unyielding approach makes it hard for others to share more vulnerable or personal things with you. At some point, people might stop trying to work together with you on projects or future plans. Instead, they give up, go away or build resentments.

Here is the full chapter on the six boundary problem styles from my upcoming book on boundaries. Read the detailed list and see what pertains to you. You might be surprised.

Many people who use “The Firm Boundary Solution Style”, a very useful style of relating, accidentally over use it or use it with the wrong person. When they do this, this useful style gets perceived as Rigid. Using Firm is great but you better know when to not use it.

Some people use “The Invisible Boundary Problem Style” over and over again, by not speaking up for what they want. One day they hit their limit. With a triggered reaction, they suddenly start setting black and white limits and using ultimatums. They have just shifted gears from using Invisible to using Rigid. Is this you? Do you over-time give and over accommodate until you finally have had enough? Read about all six of these styles so you will have a way to identify them in yourself and others.